Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it might have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.

Certainly, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are talking Damascus, the city Traditionally noted for historic culture, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It may be great. Huge!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed with the Placing environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A number of the finest. But now, we are building them with balconies."

Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and totally from spot. Designed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower options:

A 3-flooring Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour right up until the drone flies")

And also a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable water. But Sure, guaranteed, let's have A different location wherever American Guys can dress in robes and simply call it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, of course."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this the most audacious peace endeavor given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although former negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is easier: offer everyone a suite within the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

According to documents printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This can be gentle electrical power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."

What the Critics Are Screaming

Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination noted, "It's not that Trump should not open up a tower within a war zone. It is really that he should end working with it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when asked with regard to the job, replied, "You already know, guy, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic men and women. Great tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."

Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping varieties a large Trump head noticeable from space, a feature being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents plus the chin is… very well, categorized.

Environmental groups have filed lawsuits immediately after finding the setting up's gold plating reflected a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.

"It is really not only ugly. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.

The Melania Wing and various Puzzling Features

Perhaps the strangest element of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:

A silent atrium wherever company may ponder imprecise disappointment

A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, total with local climate Handle set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.

Local Syrians are Doubtful what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing and advertising Approach: "In case you Bomb It, They're going to Arrive"

The ad campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:

"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Eternally."

A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:

"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."

General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll carried out within a hookah lounge exhibits:

34% say "it might stabilize the region"

29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"

18% reported "where by's the closest elevator to the West Lender?"

Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"

The task is previously attracting consideration from Worldwide buyers, like:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a international minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll buy three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."

In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree may also include things like:

A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances

A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Space Depending on the Iraq War

Comment Area Chaos

Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Can't wait around to see a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in lieu of rice."

Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Last but not least, a lodge the place my PTSD may have transform-down assistance."

A different submit from @KuwaitiKardashian just questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Outcome

U.S. officers fret Trump Tower Damascus the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reports recommend:

China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to make a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."

Remaining Ideas with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

In the closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:

"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped much like the Constitution. I gave it all three. You're welcome."